Living with
Little Richard passed away today and it makes me kind of sad. Florian Schneider just did a few days ago.
I wanted to say something about living with and without shame today, but I’m getting a little sleepy so maybe I should go to bed instead.
Recently I’ve been very into Marc Rebillet’s stuff. I think FB recommended it to me in the first place. I try to train the algorithm to give me good music. It sometimes surprises me. I thought it was interesting when I saw a guy wearing just boxers and a robe improvising funky music so I followed his page. And when I saw some videos where he took the robe off, I thought he was pretty awesome 😬 It’s just refreshing to see someone so comfortable with his sexuality and also getting such good feedback from the audience. Also, he’s honestly just really good at live looping. But he doesn’t take himself too seriously, and he’s not self-conscious about his stuff (or at least he doesn’t act that way). I find it quite inspiring.
Other than this. Recently I’m feeling a bit down again. When I get like this sometimes I have trouble telling if it’s how I’ve always been or if. When I’m like this, I can’t tell if anything I think or do is valid. It’s rough since I live alone and I don’t have people around to help me with sanity checks, to tell me if I’m acting unlike my normal self (if that’s ever a thing). But on the other hand, maybe it’s not the worst. I think everyone goes through some process of finding themselves and becoming comfortable with themselves. And things can be complicated when there are people around you.
Sometimes I feel like I have a lot to say about everything and I just want to get it all out and share everything with everyone. Sometimes I feel incredibly humbled by all the great people and things out there and that everything I say or do is just worthless and unnecessary.
I don’t think that’ll ever change but I hope I can feel like it’s ok either way. That it’s ok to feel stuff.
Recently, as usual, I’ve gotten myself into way too much shit and overwhelmed myself. It doesn’t make me feel so good, I’m not good at all of them, a lot of the times I hit the wall of limited time and energy. What’s worst is that I also always feel like I’m disappointing people. That I’m quite horrible and selfish. What if I am? Gosh.
I’m not going to really say that I’m not, though, I guess. I mean, I’ve written a small essay on the connection between altruism and selfishness. So naturally, you know I’d have a complicated view on this matter.
The thing about doing too many things is that when someone does this is actually usually because they don’t have a good idea of what they REALLY want to do. So they are trying everything and they are not saying no.
And it definitely applies to me. I don’t really know what I want to do with my life anymore. Sometimes I don’t even want to continue living (that’s a different topic that I wanted to talk about). It’s something I need to really confront. What do I want to do, really?
Obviously I don’t have an answer. I have some clues. Like I miss science. I miss it a lot. And I want to make good music. And I want to put on shows and go on tour, even though maybe it’s for silly reasons. And I want to make good changes, I want to tell stories that I think need to be heard, I want to help people learn and I want to learn from people, enlarging each other’s worlds.
I don’t really know how to get there yet, though. And I feel like I’m not spending enough time doing things that seem like will lead me there. Sometimes I feel like I’m just procrastinating and avoiding, which isn’t good.
But I’m also more or less giving my best. It’s a hard balance to keep — when to stop and call it a day and when to keep pushing. I’m still figuring it out.
I appreciate all of you who are patient enough with me.
One last thought before I go to sleep. Recently I’m considering posting more stuff on the internet. Why? I don’t know, honestly, just feels like something the ideal version of me would do. When I was younger (gosh, I feel so old now at 25) I used to write so much on Qzone, which feels a bit like the Chinese version of Tumblr/MySpace. And I posted so much on Weibo, which is the Chinese version of Twitter. It sounds a little less cool somehow because it’s all Chinese (is this problematic?) but I kind of really miss it. Writing a lot, thinking about writing a lot. Thinking a lot. These days I feel like my brain is just mush and I don’t know what to say or think or do. And that’s really rough for me because so much of my identity is rooted in my aesthetic and intellectual inclinations. I already don’t have a great connection with my body, and I don’t know what I’d have left if I also lose my mind : (
I go on tangents. I think “posting more” might not be the best way to put it, actually. What I want to change is, I think, more about the way I’m phrasing the things I’m posting. I post a lot on Instagram but it’s very esoteric and private and usually cynical and depressing. It’s the same with my music, I like sad songs. It feels like I’m just in the corner playing by myself and having fun. And I don’t really have a problem with it per se, but maybe I want to be able to play with other people as well. I think maybe I just want to try letting other people in again. Because clearly I want to, I’m just a little scared sometimes. Then again, when I feel scared sometimes I remind myself that that’s really not me. I’m a big man and I ain’t get scared by nothing B/
Drop the baggage and really be me. That’s what I want to do, I think. Without worrying that I’m going to lose status or good impressions or anyone’s approval, just be me, even though I kinda suck sometimes if not most of the time. But I have to start where I am…
Alright, gotta go to bed. Good night
